{ what now? }

Finding out the truth.   Finding out the months of deceit.  Finding out that everything you thought was true- that the person who was making plans with you- never meant them.

   What now.

  What do you do with that knowledge?

  What do you do with all the emotions- anger, pain, confusion, tears, bewilderment?

  What now?

I was told the truth a month after we broke up.  And not by him, but by a friend who felt I should know.  I should know that for months he never cared, never saw it going further, never wanted to spend his life with me.  He knew he didn't have feelings for me- and instead of telling me, instead of being honest, instead of protecting my heart…… he just let it go on. 

Let me believe all the things he told me.  Things that made me feel like he was just struggling with depression, but that he wanted me.  He wanted me to be with him  That he was being honorable by "ending" the relationship so he could seek counseling.  No, he never meant it.  He just didn't want to be alone.  As long as he was getting something from the relationship- a close friend, someone to spend his spare time with, someone who would cook, be close with, and text him when he was bored at work.  He just enjoyed the companionship, but didn't want me as a wife.  Just a short term, "while I wait for the right one" girl. 

We were serious, I thought.  We were building a future, I thought.  I thought that, because he let me plan like that, and told me so many things that gave every signal that he was right there with me.

He knew I just didn't date around.  That I wanted a serious relationship if I was going to be in one.  We didn't have to get married within 6 months- I would wait years if needs be- but I needed that person to be "the one" that wanted me.  Who would sacrifice anything for me.  Who saw all my faults, hopes, dreams….. And wanted to share them with me.

I didn't need somethin quick.  I needed something real.

And he let me believe he was real.  For nine months he let me believe that he was real.  That he cared for me in a personal, deep, real way.  He let me believe he cared for my heart, and wanted to win it.

And he never did.  It was all deceit.  A quick fix.  A "feel good about himself" relationship.

He had told his mom for months that he didn't have passionate feelings for me.  Months.  Yet still held me close; still let me devote all my time/energy/heart to him.  He told me all the time that he cared for me, that I was working strong feelings in his heart.  Let everyone think he was serious, that he was just struggling to fully trust me after his hard breakup.  He said and did all those things to me.  The man who I thought was trying to win and protect my heart.  The man who would hold my hand, and stare into my eyes.  Who listened to me open up my heart to him.  Who told me to trust him, who told me how beautiful and sweet I was.  That I was everything he'd ever wanted.  This man.  This man lied to me for months. 

He purposefully broke my heart.  And doesn’t look back with any regrets.  Doesn't miss me.  Doesn't think about me.  Doesn't care that I've been grieving/hoping/waiting/praying these past weeks. He is happier now, without me, then before. 

This man lied to me, my family, my friends….. All to boost his self esteem.

Now what?