{ feelings }

So many feelings.

At this point, I'm nothing but feelings.

Feelings of hopelessness.  Confusion.  Pain.  Loneliness.  Uncertainty.  Loss.  Anger.

I'm saying the things that Tim said he felt.  Feeling the feelings he felt.

You want to serve God; but it's hard when you don't see him working.  Don't feel His presence.  When you feel like your life isn't pointless, but you don't see it moving forward.

You feel like you're just stuck.  In a world of feelings, confusion, and just a place where you seem to be moving nowhere.

I'm turning to Him, but also trying to turn to work; like Tim did.  I'm saying everything he said.

And I just want to tell him I now understand.  That I now see exactly what he was saying.  That dealing with this type of depression- this feeling of abandonment from the Lord- I get it now.

I want him to know that.  To see the person I am now.  I'm an adult now.  I'm a confident, capable, ready to face the world, confident in myself and our relationship person.

Things would be different.

But is it a true peace, or a way for me to block out the truth; feel like something may still come out of this.  Try to block out that sometimes, things don't go as we hoped/planed/wanted.

But if it's not a real peace, will I ever know what a genuine peace is?  If this doesn't mean anything, if this is all in my head, how will I ever be able to trust anything?  Ever make a choice/decision?

Feelings.  They're either amazing,  or a nightmare.