{ holding on }

Holding on.  

Holding on to the hope.  The memories.  The emotions.

Holding on to the desire, prayer, that we could work out.

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The hope that he misses me.  That this is a nightmare, and I'll get a text from him, saying he wants to try again. 

I know it's foolish.  That I'm fooling myself.  Allowing myself to be swallowed by these hopes and desires.  

I'm trying not to.  Trying to let go.  Trying to distance myself from all hope, dreams, prayers, longings, aches, false beliefs.

But my only way of coping is by slowly allowing them to creep into my mind.

It makes me mad.  

Mad that I'm allowing him to drag me this low.  Mad that I'm not strong enough to let this go.  Mad that it seems like I'm the girl that falls apart without a "boyfriend" in her life.  But it's more than that.

I thought I was going to marry him.  I was allowing myself to build a life with him.

And these 9 weeks apart have made me want it now more than ever. 

I want to be with him.  So badly.  

But I have to tell myself it will never work.  And I do.  Daily.  Hourly.

But I don't believe myself.  I still believe that we could work.

I've changed these past 9 weeks.  The cautious Kaylee is gone.  

If he only wanted to date me again.  Even talk with me.

I don't know why I want that.  Why would I want to be with someone who doesn't want me?  Why can't I accept that and freakin' move on.  Let him go.

But I can't.

I'm still holding on hope.

Hope that things will be different.  That these 9 weeks will change both of us, and that we'll both want to be back together.

Because I've learned so much about myself.  I'm ready, if he is.

But he's not.  And I need to let that hope go.

But hope doesn't die easily.