{ I'm "ok" }

"I'm doing ok.  I'll be fine.  Don't worry about me.  I'll be glad one day."

The words I have to tell people.  The words I have to smile through, even though I don' feel them.

Saying what I know should be, and will be, true.

But it's not now.

And I feel like it never will be.

I just want to cry.  All the time.  I feel alone, upset, and empty.  And it makes me mad that I care this much.  That I'm not angry at Tim.  That I still care, heck, I still want to be with him.  My loyal instincts are here in full force, and I just want to talk this through.  Work it out.  Have my best friend back.  

And it makes me mad that he isn't/can't/won't be my boyfriend/best friend.

I'm mad that I'm not stronger than this.  That this is hurting me so deeply.  That I can't seem to move past this heavy weight I feel weighed down by.

I'm crying out to the Lord for help.  For wisdom.  For some sort of peace.  Guidance.  Emotional strength.  Physical strength.  Courage.  Peace.  Joy,

But He hasn't deemed fit to give me that.  

And I'm trying to accept the suffering, Accept that the Lord has/is allowing this in my life.  Trying not to be bitter and upset.  Not to question the Lord.

But it's hard.  So hard.

"I'm doing ok."

At least I'm trying.