{ aching }

A deep down, gentle aching.

An aching that's always there, but also comes and goes in waves.

It's like being in an ocean: it's always around you, but the waves sometimes surge you.  Making you feel alone more intensely.  

And like a wave, you can never tell when it will rise and come, or be gentle and deep.

That's the aching that's there.  Always.

And it's coming in waves tonight.

-----------

Being around people- our people- all weekend came with a mix of emotions.  It's good to slowly be getting out, finding my new rhythm, accepting my new life.  But it's hard.  Hard to be around our people, without him.  To ache to have him there.  Making the memories with me.  To look across a room and want to see his smile.  Looking for his face at church, only to remember that even if I saw him I couldn't go up to him.  That he isn't mine.  To hear a police siren and instantly think of him.  Look around me when I'm in his area, hoping yet dreading to see him.  The ache of having a crappy day, and just wanting to curl up on the couch with him.  Or to walk the dog with him.  To have a drink with him and hear him say it's all going to be ok.  To watch him try and cheer me up.  To look up and catch him, quietly watching me.  I want to have that closeness with others because we have him, my guy, in common.  But this weekend, as I went from event to event, seeing our people alone........ it made the never ending quiet waves turn into deep, hard waves,

I'm so tired of aching for him.  If it's not the Lord's will why doesn't He remove this desire from my heart?  Not even the desire to be married.  To be close to someone.

No,  I want Him to remove the desire, longing, deep down feeling that Tim is the one, that feeling, to go away.  

If it's not the Lord's will, I can only hope and beg that he takes Tim out of my mind and heart.

Because I can't do it alone.

And I want Tim.  No matter how much I try to deny it.  Try to drown out the ache.  Try to get angry.  No matter what, it boils down to this;

I want Tim.  And I'm willing to wait, and forgive, and forget things and move on, for him.

But the aching of waiting in the darkness is almost unbearable.

So tonight I'm drowning in aches.  The ocean has almost swallowed me.  

And I'm just trying to keep my head above water, and remember to just breathe.

Because that's all I can do.