{ drowning }

Drowning.  

Drowning in emotions.  Not being able to breathe because you're so overwhelmed with feelings.

Feelings of sadness.  Aching.  Darkness.  Longing.  Anger.  Pain.  Depression.  Confusion.

Feeling like the Lord is just letting you go- that He isn't going to give you any peace.  Any comfort.  Anything.

He's left me alone.  I feel alone.  All alone.  Alone in a dark tunnel with no answers.  No comfort.  No joy.  Nothing.  

My heart's desire is for Tim.  And I have such a peace about praying for him- that we will work out.  A peace to just wait, pray, and beg the Lord for him.  For us.

I want an us.  So badly.

But I want the Lord's will more.  But until He aligns my will to His I'm going to beg Him for an us.

But when nothing happens.  Nothing with Tim.  Nothing at all in your life; you loose hope.

And drown with emotions.

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Today was the hardest day I've had.  I felt so down.  So low.  So alone.   I've been thinking all week that Tim would reach out.  That God was working.  Doing something.  I had a feeling.  Something I can't describe, but that something was going to happen. 

But nothing has.  And I walked past him.  

He didn't smile.  Didn't say hi.  Just looked hurt.

All I wanted to do was go into his arms.  Take his hand.  Look into his eyes and call him mine.

But I couldn't.  And that was so hard.

Why?  Why does it bother me this much?  Why can't I just move on?  Forget him.  Be mad.  

Why do I feel like my best friend is gone- and feel the ache this bad?

Why do I want him, still?

I wrestle, beg, plead with God to take this away.  This desire.  Longing.  Deep down, gut feeling that Tim is the one.

But I feel like he his.  I want Tim to be the one for me.

So why does the Lord keep the desire there?  I can be single.  I don't need to be in a relationship.

But I need the deep down, longing, pleading for Tim to be gone.  If he's not the one.

But I feel like he is.

And I'm overwhelmed with grief.  Depression.  Darkness.

I've sobbed all day today.  Suffocating, heart-wrenching, sobs.  I've never cried like this.  All day.

So I'm coming now exhausted, confused, and honestly: done.

The Lord either needs to take ease something, or take me home.

Because I need to see that God is here.  Near.  That He really is my God.

I know my God is alive.  But He's left me.